Guide on How to be a Street Racer
General Life Guide – ‘Import Car’
So, you’ve watched ‘The Fast and the Furious’ eight times, and you live by Dominic’s famous words, “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time, in those ten seconds or less I am free,” you are a bonafide street racer. If you’re fat please don’t confuse this life motto with, “I live my life a quarter-pounder at a time, no lettuce or tomato and french fries for free,” you’re just a bonafide fat ****.
Anyways, before you go blowing your cash on a fixed-up Honda, Nissan, or Acura, take a look in your own garage first. If you own any type of imported vehicle, you can be a street racer! You don’t need a fast car; all you need is some stickers, sweet driving skills and a little imagination.
First, let’s discuss how to properly drive your imported vehicle. Even if your import has a stock engine, you can’t let anybody else know this. Although people rarely know the difference, a little mystery will help your image. Driving your vehicle properly is imperative. Think of the street cred points you would lose if you drove just like every other Average Joe? Here are some driving tips that are sure to get you the reputation you deserve:
* ALWAYS drive fast, even if the next stoplight is only 500 feet away.
* Try to secure the front spot when waiting at a stoplight. Make sure your front end is all up in the pedestrian crosswalk to let everyone know who is boss.
* If you cannot secure the front spot, be sure to stop behind a car that has a higher probability of driving fast. For example: If you are faced with the decision of either stopping behind a Dodge Caravan or a Ford Focus, choose the Focus even if you are almost at a stop already. Cutting people off makes them realize how fast and powerful your car is.
* When driving in traffic: One word. Weave. Always try to get in front of people who are blocking your way to VTEC happiness. If someone refuses to heed to your Japanese balls of steel, drive about one foot behind them. This is international car talk for “Please move your vehicle when possible”. If somebody honks at you, it is not because you are driving recklessly; it is simply horns of applause at your aggressive, talented driving.
* When you see a Mustang GT or SRT-4 on the freeway, casually pass them and put on your hazards on, signifying your win. Immediately go home and post on your favorite internet car forum that you raped a Mustang on the freeway. Then masturbate to the thought of your 4-cylinder naturally aspirated monster destroying an eight cylinder with low HP per liter, realizing that at sexual release, only the feeling of going into VTEC is better than jizzing in your hand. Don’t forget to wipe it up with your sock!
The image of your car is important to you as a street racer. Without it, you are nothing. Image is MUCH more important than what is actually under the hood. Here are some simple steps that enhance your bragging Horse Power (numbers you don’t need to worry about, just know it makes your car fast in Honda land):
Step 1 – Lower your car: all street racers have lowered cars, without it, you might as well be driving a Yugo.
+ 5 Horse Power
Step 2 – Body kit – Be sure to have a body kit on your import.If you can’t afford one, make it out of cardboard. If you can, don’t worry about painting it, this is not important to your street racing image.
+ 10 Horse Power
[Extra Horse Power if your car has a primered body kit with a painted car and you leave it like that for 6 months or more. + 2 extra Horse Power]
Step 3 – Carbon-Fiber anything: Carbon-Fiber makes your car lighter and faster.
+ 5 Horse Power
Step 4 – Spoiler: The bigger, uglier, more obnoxious the better. A well-placed spoiler SCREAMS “Street Racer”.
+ 7 Horse Power
Step 5 – If you are a girl: be sure to show your Honda power with a pink, flowery sticker that says “Powered By [Your name here]” or better yet, “Powered By Bitch.”
+ 2 Horse Power
[Again, + 2 Horse Power more if the sticker color does not match your car at all]
Step 6 – Muffler tip: Don’t waste your time doing your entire exhaust system. No street racer knows the difference anyways. Just go to your local muffler shop and pick up a 3 inch muffler tip. Sound is perhaps the most important aspect of your import.
+ 10 Horse Power
FYI: Don’t have time/can’t afford a muffler tip? That’s OK! Just get a drill and put a golf-sized hole in your muffler. Works just as well! + 4 Horse Power
Step 7 – Stickers: Stickers on your car enhance and add the much-desired Horse Power. They can be from anywhere, your local muffler shop, body shop, or the sticker from your favorite radio station.
+ 1 Horse Power for every sticker.
Step 8 – Car Color: If you are Mexican, make sure some kind of neon color makes it onto your import. No need for professional paint, spray paint will do.
+ 10 Horse Power
Step 9 – Your Nationality: Being short and Asian with spiky black hair gives you even more street cred…if you are ready to handle the attention, bleach the tips of your hair and bust out your Linkin Park/Jay-Z “Collision Course” CD
+ 10 Horse Power
Step 10 – Tagging your Acura as a Honda: There is no greater sign of greatness in the import world. If you live in the U.S., tagging your Acura as a Honda gives you the BIGGEST penis on the block! You see, in Japan, Acuras are Hondas.
+ a billion Horse Power
Pre-Racing/ Getting someone to race you:
Step 1 – Get in behind them and flash your brights, this is international car talk for “Would you like to eat my dust?”
Step 2 – When coming to a stoplight, intimidate your opponent by revving and rolling down your window to shout mild racing obscenities such as:
* “Your mom goes to college!”
* “Where did you get that spoiler?! The toilet store?!”
* “I slept with your girlfriend last night!”
* “I put my wiener in your sister’s mouth last night!”
Honk 3 times, and on the 3rd honk, place the pedal to the metal.
Whether you win or lose, let your opponent know who they’re dealing with:
If you win, get in front of them and flash your hazards. This is international car talk for “Oh snap, I kicked your ass, you stupid bitch.”
If you lose, drive off with your head held high and don’t let them see you cry. Talk shit about them to your friends saying it doesn’t matter and their car was a piece of shit anyways, and if you had a better launch you would have won.
Final Thoughts on the Street Racing Life
To finalize your life as a street racer, you must dabble in all aspects of street racing life. For example, you could visit the online Honda Forums daily or stop watching porn and look at live streaming videos of real Japanese Nissan Skylines,those down-and-dirty Toyota Supras or God’s own chariot the Integra Type-R. Whatever it is, remember to always live life a quarter mile at a time.