I hate people with funny t-shirts

Rated’N’ TIMES – Life Section

Cotton Confidence by:

Andrew Nguyen

It’s no secret that in this era superficiality has taken a backseat to personality and intelligence.  In other words, good looks can only get you so far with modern women.  A recent 2009 poll conducted by the Love and Sex division of the Gallop Poll has found that nine of every ten women look for a sense of humor when actively seeking potential male partners.  This is welcomed news for the class clowns and sharp-witted office jokesters of the world.  But what about those unfunny few who remain?  Are we doomed to a life of loneliness and self love?  Not anymore.

For those of us lacking in the humoral field, there’s no need to fret as the recent trend in the popularity of comical t-shirts has emerged these past few years.  With the recent proliferation of clothing with silk screened jokes, puns, and overall in-your-face-isms on them, everyday comically-impaired men (most notably morticians, proctologists, Carlos Mencia) can now compete with the funniest of eligible bachelors in the dating pool.

“I prefer men with a sense of humor”, says Yvonne Baker, a college student at the University of California, Irvine.   “I know it sounds terrible, but if a guy isn’t that great looking, a sense of humor can really take a guy a long way.”

“Yeah, usually I’m not that funny,” says Harry Adams, a high school student from Irvine, “but now I let my t-shirts do the talking.  These days, when I walk through the mall, I have to beat off the girls with either my Harry Potter wand or Level 14 Power Sword which I keep in a holster on my hip.  I’ve gotten at least six girls pregnant this month if my calculations are correct – and they usually are.”  Harry’s shirt features a humorous and in-your-face credo which states that he gives 100% a day (25% video games, 25% television, 1% homework, and 49% sleep).  He enjoys watching TV, eating Hot Pockets, and playing “WarCraft – but not StarCraft”, because “that shit is fucking gay.”

This trend is not just for the young either.

“The ladies read my t-shirts, and tell me that they find my sense of humor irresistible,” says Steve Ngo, a 35-year-old computer engineer from Costa Mesa, CA who purchased his t-shirt for $4 dollars at K-Mart which features a humorous Venn-diagram of Jedi Mind Tricks.  “It’s roughly a three minute commitment for them to read the entire shirt to get the joke, but once they do, it’s like freaking catnip to these skanky ass bitchez [sic].”

Endowed with new confidence, Steve has just recently begun pursuing a lifelong dream of performing standup comedy.  His last performance at the Hollywood Improv featured him standing on stage with a humorous t-shirt which states “My other t-shirt has a funny slogan on it”.  His two-minute performance has garnered him rave reviews and has placed him in People Magazine’s 40 Top Comics to Watch.  There is speculation that Ngo and NBC are close to coming to terms on a half-hour sitcom pilot featuring Ngo for the 2011 fall season.

So if the polls are any indication, women like funny men, and thanks to the newest trend in funny t-shirts, more men are capable to give them what they want.  Don’t have much of a personality?  Slip on a nice pair of jeans and some 100% cotton confidence in the morning and watch the world laugh – with you.

 

Ch Ch Changes.

Back in the day, we had many encounters of the paranormal brain fart.

For instance, after playing basketball for hours on end after school, Austen Dailey asked Andrew, “Do you want my gatorade, I’m not hungry.”

With that little introduction, I want to remind you of a certain situation in which I was the mouth of the “brain fart” if you will.

While we were playing ball in the park, I distinctively remember being ridiculed for singing the lines, “ch- ch-changes.” I believe it was Johnseth, who immediately turned and said, ” its j- j- jaded.” Then what soon followed was a group laugh and such. However, I remember knowing there was a song that had that exact line in it, but being quite embarassed I didn’t respond. So i figure 6 years later would be a good time.

The video below is of the famous, David Bowie song  ”Changes”

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time “

and  the following video is ” Jaded” by Aerosmith

In short, FUCK YOU ALL.

the end.

 

New Camera Footage! HDizzle

So got my 16gb memory card recently for my Kodak Zi8 cam my brother got me for Christmas.  We should check out some footy, no?

It looks better on my camera and through the HDMI cable on an HDTV, but still looks pretty good on YouTube too.  Even though quality seems to suffer a bit when you upload vids to YouTube.

It’s time to shoot some movies

 

Inside the Lakers’ Locker Room

Have you ever wondered what the Lakers are like off the court? We know that Kobe likes white girls from Colorado, Pau loves acting out juicy lines, Bynum enjoys time away from Kareem, Artest doesn’t like wearing clothes during interviews, Odom eats candy and marries Chewbacca, but all this info is not enough to satisfy our craving. We want to see the Lakers in their RAW, DIRTY form. With nothing to hide, I present you with Shannon Brown baring all:

 

Famous Asian People – A Comprehensive List

If our tight-eyed optimism toward achieving internet stardom or our penchant for eating noodles didn’t tip you (our valued reader[s]) off, we the bloggers 5 at Rated ‘N’ for Nasty are Asian.  We as first generation, American-born, Asian-Americans, (except for Steve Ngo, who still hopes to one day find sponsorship to come over from Da Nang), have an innate yearning to leave our culture’s mark on the American culture.

Although this list seems racially biased and the first step in an “Asian-Power movement”, rest assured it’s not.  I’m as American as they get.  I can’t even speak Vietnamese anymore.  I guess this list is kind of just a reminder that even though I do or don’t feel a certain way, I can’t escape being and looking the way I am.  So let’s embrace me and my people shall we?

Naturally, all of us at Rated ‘N’ for Nasty are blind to race and embrace all cultures and creeds (except for Byron and Bryant, who watch Fox News).  However, just because we’re color blind, doesn’t mean we don’t want to see more of that yellow all up in the American fabric.  Quite the contrary — I can say with a certain level of confidence that each one of us wants to become famous or noteworthy for something and to breakthrough and prove that Asian people can do anything we want to.  I personally, want to be the first Vietnamese person to do anything.

But until that day when you see our names in lights, hear our voices on the radio, or see Bryant Pham in a low budget and overall sketchy porno film, here is a list of famous Asian people that are currently advancing our cause.  This first list will be the biggest encompassing all the noteworthy Asian people in America (just for simplicity sake, since we’re pretty sure there are countless famous Asian people in Asia — DURR!!!) that I can think of off the top of the old brainium.  As more and more noteworthy Asians make themselves known, we will add onto our (hopefully) ever more increasing list.  My hope is that one day in the near future, I can add a few of us to this list.  For reference when I’m older, I am 19 when writing this.  If I read this and I’m not famous for something by the time I’m 25, I will know that I am a miserable, miserable failure.

This list is presented in no particular order (except for Jackie Chan being “#1″ since he’s awesome), but is presented in a numerical list simply for referencing purposes.  The list also is not restricted to any discipline or field — however, it’ll probably boil down to athletes, politicians, and entertainers.

Got anyone you’d like to see on the list?  Someone on this list not “Asian enough”?  Are you famous and Asian and feel like you deserve to be on this list?  e-mail me at maildrewnguyen@yahoo.com

A Rather Large List of Famous Asian People #1-13 Click (more) to see the entire list.

 

What are young teens like today?

Being a college student, it’s safe to say that I’ve gone through many phases growing up. Looking back, the one phase that seems the most ridiculous to me was my AzN vIeT pRyDe stage. Living in Westminster and growing up in the GGUSD, many of us go through this sad, pathetic stage. Most of the boyz in Rated N, however, were lucky enough to skip this phase (Andrew, Minh, Byron <—shocker!). Sorry Calvin, but I’m not including you into that group solely because of your screen names: AzNcHyNk117 and dAwUnNoNlIcHyNk). Of course, some of us (Steve Ngo) are still lost in the AzN phase. Sadly, in the beginning of middle school, I succumbed to this viral sensation. I hung out with AzN gAnGsTaZ and had the screenname PiLzBeWyDoUgHb01 (I needed a cool nickname to fit in, duh!). I was fortunate enough to realize how stupid and lame that phase was early on and dropped it after 2 months. As for most of us, that stage remains a remnant of the past. So that brings me to this point: Is the AzN phase still alive in the new youth? Do elementary and middle school kids nowadays go through the same AzN vIeT pRyDe phase that we went through? Being the youngest brother and having no younger relatives that’s able to answer my question, the question bewilders my mcnuggets. If anybody has male siblings in the age range of 11-15, please force them into taking this quiz that I created!

Are you in the AzN vIeT pRyDe phase? (males only; yes/no)

Relationship Category:

Have you ever used “143 637″ ?

Have you ever “officially” became boyfriend-girlfriend by asking “Do you want to go out with me?”

Did you write down the exact date and time (up to the minute) that you “officially” became boyfriend-girlfriend?

Did you post it in your aim info?

Have you ever loved somebody after 1 week of dating?

Have you ever had a date at the Asian Mall?

Physical Appearance Category:

Do you have a visor?

Do you have an article of clothing that says ViEt or AzN pRiDe on it?

Do you own and wear a Dragon Ball Z shirt or a shirt with a car on it?

Are those shirts too big for you?

Do you sometimes dress all in one color because it’s cool?

Do you own adidas shoes?

Is your hair spiked or slicked back?

Are your jeans super baggy? (May be a useless question due to the fact that skinnies are hawt now)

Do you own a solid-colored JanSport or Dickies backpack with only the big and little pocket?

Pop Culture Category:

Even though you were born after he died, are you a die hard Tupac fan?

Even though you were born after he died, therefore leaving a 0% chance of him influencing you, is Tupac one of your heros?

Even though by answering those two questions you were basically affirming his death, do you still claim that Tupac is alive?

Even though you never have heard of him before you wikipedia’d him in the 24 hours before his death, have you ever said, “free tookie!” ?

Do you know all the lyrics to “Got Rice?

Do you ever recite the lyrics randomly in public to look cool and show off your pride?

Do you have a nickname that you gave to yourself?

Does it end in -ey, -y-, -ie? (e.g. Dopey, sleepy, testiclie)

Are you in a street family?

Is YoUr ScReEn NaMe FoRmAtTeD liKe ThIs?

DeW yEw TaLk LyKe DySh On ThA iNtAnEt?

Does your screen name have any spelling variations of AzN, LiL, ViEt, BaBy, ChInK, and/or your nickname in it? (e.g. AzNcHyNk117)

Is your screenname decorated with Is, Os, and/or Xs? (e.g. xlilvietninjax)

In pictures, do you “dog” the camera?

Do you know how to crip walk?

Do you claim to know how to rave just because you know how to “figure 8″?

If you’ve answered Yes to 5 or more of these questions, then you should feel proud that you’re officially a dumbass poser wannabe fobgook! Cheers!

 

Asian People On Youtube

It’s finals week, so naturally I’ve watched literally (literally) 4 hours of YouTube videos from my bed today.  Today in particular I’ve been looking up Asian kids – musicians, dancers, comedians, etc.  I’m not sure exactly why.  Probably because my mom told me that I couldn’t really do anything besides be a doctor because in her words, “look at your face.  they won’t accept you.”  She’s right, but goddamn it, I’d still like to dream.

A realllllllly annoying observation that I’ve made after watching all these little gooks and FOBs’ youtube videos is that after every single one, you guys always introduce a blue windows movie maker title slide with white font in Comic Sans Ms beginning the obligatory Asian “Blooper footage”.

A word to all you Asian kids making fools outta yourselves on Youtube – don’t nobody wanna see your damn blooper footage.  You not Jackie Chan!  When you waste all your fihrm (film), it’s just that – a waste.  It’s not comic gold that needs preservation on the internet.  People would expect blooper reels anyways from you kids, considering you don’t have any talent.  If you were professionals and you blooped this or blooped that, then that would be something worth watching.

I’m sorry to hate.  We at Rated’N'forNasty too our guilty of using Windows Movie Maker (Asian people don’t own Macs son), using Comic Sans fonts (shiet, I still use that font on my college papers), and including blooper reels (even johnswift himself created a few blooper reels).  But come on kids.  Nobody wants to see you and your buddies giggling in your ill-lit family room gaffing over some poorly written lines in a parody of commercial/how-to video.

I guess I really just hate NigaHiga.  Damn that guy’s annoying.

 

A Tragedy Has Occured Today

Well this may not be funny in light of the two shootings that happened in the last two days.

 

But I tried to check my old site http://www.geocities.com/somethinggarlic only to find out that geocities has closed down, taking my beautiful website with it.

For those of you who don’t know of our illustrious history (aka morons), SomethingGarlic & Co. was the immediate predecessor to RatedNforNasty.

I created the site when I was about 10-years-old and throughout its history it got nearly 70,000 views.  And since I hadn’t updated that site in years, I have no physical evidence of that webpage anywhere on my computer.   I can’t even post a screenshot.  Tragedy son.  Tragedy.  The ramblings of my 10-14 year old self are gone the way of netscape and iwin.com

Let us all stop eating meat for a month in remembrance of the genius that was SomethingGarlic & Co.

 

StuffIDrewinClass.blogspot.com

What you know about classroom drawrings son!??!?!  Nothing thats what.  That’s why the holy triumvirate – that is, me, Johnseth, and Calvin – also known as moneymaking mamas from morocco have decided to create http://www.stuffidrewinclass.blogspot.com.

While drawing in my notebook in class, I realized that I’d been doodling and drawing in my notebook for the better part of 19 years.  I flipped through my notebook and stared at all my drawings, and pondered to myself, “are they called wishy wipers or windshield wipers?  I mean, they wish side to side, but on the other hand, they wipe ur windshield… hmm.”  After about 45 minutes, I then thought to myself, “notebook drawings are some of the most interesting and creative shiznits that the average student creates in school.”  I mean, we’re not all art or english majors.  I mean, some of us are actually minorities.

So I decided to create a site where people can submit some of their best hand drawn notebook masterpieces to show the world.  I also thought that it might be cool that if we got enough submissions, we could turn the best one into a t-shirt and sell it.  I know its a longshot, but I think its a really good idea.  Like wishy wipers.

So if you get the sensation or any other particular inkling, get to inking, and send us your submissions.  We’ll post ‘em on our site and get your doodles on the internet for all the people to see.  And not on www.ratemywiener.com either.

For the curious, I did doodle the drawing below.  I doodled it good.

Stuff I Drewin Class - Send us Your Doodles!

 

Shakira Changed Name and Wore Disguise to Pose as UCLA Student in Order to Stab Classmate in the Neck

Shakira Changed Name And Wore Disguise For UCLA Class

Posted Mon Oct 19, 2009 5:27pm PDT by Billy Johnson, Jr. in Stop The Presses!

How did Shakira manage to take a summer chemistry class at UCLA in 2009 and not make headlines until after the course was over?

The Colombian-bred international pop star revealed her successful game plan in a recent interview with the UK’s The Guardian.

“I used to wear a cap and a big backpack,” Shakira explained. “I looked like a boy. I didn’t get recognized.”

It was during her period as an ‘undercover’ bookworm, however, that the “Shewolf” singer (currently No.31 on the Billboard top 100) viciously stabbed a female classmate in the neck inside a crowded chemistry laboratory.  The “Hips Don’t Lie” singer and the unnamed female victim were both seniors taking an organic chemistry class along with several other undergraduate students.  There has been no motive for the violent attack, but many student witnesses have been vocal about what they saw.

“I saw the both of them just doing their work like normal”, Dang Tran age 20 said in a statement.  “I mean, I was busy doing the lab assignment, and out of nowhere I hear this loud shewolf howl and then everyone just starts screaming.  They were both covered in blood and our TA rushed over to help.  I didn’t know what to do.”

The throaty voiced Colombian sex idol was found and detained inside the same chemistry building a few hours after the violent incident.

“We are all shocked by the attack that occurred in one of our chemistry teaching labs,” UCLA Chancellor Gene Block said in a statement. “I know you join me in wishing for the speedy recovery of the young woman who was injured; it is my deepest hope that Shakira will be prosecuted and punished to the full extent of the law.”

Shakira has been known to spend her spare time studying, and learning about the countries she visits, her manager Fifi Kurzman told The Associated Press.

While Shakira did not attend the last few classes, she told The Guardian that she enjoyed the experience. “I would go to the university over and over again if I could,” Shakira said.
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